Matthew, Chapter 5 - The Sermon on the Mount
1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples and major campaign contributors came unto him:
2 And he opened his mouth and, reading from a teleprompter, taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of health care.
4 Blessed are they that mourn the demise of capitalism: for they shall be comforted with freebies from the State.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth through affirmative action.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled with victim-hood and decks of race cards.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy, and food stamps, and, if necessary, commuted sentences.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see Obama.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers, including the anti-Semite ex-President Carter: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of reparations and a black separatist State.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake, for you were my Pastor.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in welfare: for so persecuted they the minorities which were before you.
13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, or have given a brother high blood pressure, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, as were the trans fats before it, and to be trodden under foot of men.
14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid: even Detroit, Yo!
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house, and it leaveth no carbon footprint.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works — for the workers control the means of production — and glorify your Father which is in The White House.
17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets, or the Constitution: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil the Prophecy of Barack.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. If you interpret that to mean welfare for all, so be it.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven; you are scum but I forgive you: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven and in the union hall.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. Community service or else!
21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: thus were included Ramos and Compean despite the justification of their actions.
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment, but not the death penalty: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire — or hate crimes legislation.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, $2300 max, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift: pay your debts, pay your taxes.
25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him, at least during the general election campaign; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, to stand beside Rezko, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing in capital gains.
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery, as did mine opponent; I’m just sayin’:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. That’s why me and Scarlett just text.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Word up.
30 And if thy right wing offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Don’t lose yo’ soul!
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: furthermore, let there be an airtight pre-nup.
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery: Damn straight! That kitty belongs to me!
33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths: and the schools shall make thine children do the same.
34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God’s throne: nor by the Es-ca-lade; for it is God’s ride.
35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King: nor by The White House; for it is his crib.
36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. Only I, the bi-racial one may do so.
37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Do not ask, do not tell.
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, and a kick in the ass for the fool what smoked all my stuff.
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. You have not the right of self-defense.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also, lest someone like myself step in and really take your ass to the cleaners.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain, as long as it be in a green vehicle.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away, and engage not in deceptive lending practices.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy, usually by the demon right wing.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; and meet with them minus any preconditions.
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust, and practiceth moral relativism without regard to the real world consequence.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? Yeah, that’ right; I slanged it.
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? All hail the tax collector!
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Well, you crackas can be — literally — pale reflections of my perfection.
The Sermon on the Plain, Luke 6:17-49 (King James Version):
17 And he came down with them, and stood in the plane, and the company of his disciples, and a great multitude of reporters out of all Washington DC and New York City, and from the sea coast of California, which came to hear him, and to be healed of their diseases;
18 And they that were vexed with unclean spirits and partisanship: and they were healed.
19 And the whole multitude of celebrities sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all.
20 And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said, Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of increased government spending.
21 Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled with free food at school. Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh at those that work for a living.
22 Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man’s sake: for you are Democrats.
23 Rejoice ye in that election day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in entitlements: for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets perpetuate the cycle of dependence.
24 But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation and have thus triggered the windfall profits tax.
25 Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger when all of the corn is turned into ethanol. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep when the capital gains tax rises by 10%.
26 Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets, such as at the Republican National Convention.
27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you. They, too, may suckle at the government’s teat.
28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you; but if they be Conservatives you may institute a fairness doctrine.
29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also; unless they utter an epithet — then it is a hate crime.
30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. “Imagine no possessions”.
31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise; but use protection.
32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them, and it shall remain legal in Times Square.
33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, as a community organizer for instance, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. Worry not, for the bailout will always be there.
35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. That is my foreign policy.
36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful — while performing your mandatory community service.
37 Judge not guilty, and ye shall not be judged guilty: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned to death — no matter how heinous your crime: snitch not, and ye shall not be snitched upon: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again; unless homeboy had his thumb on the scale, know what I’m sayin’?.
39 And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch? The results of my campaign will provide the answer.
40 The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master, especially if you have Dumbo ears.
41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Yeah! Why you illin’? You think you all that?
42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye. And if you be a member of the NBA, lay claim to each of the children you have fathered.
43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit; but properly watered bud underneath the right sunlamp . . .
44 For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes, nor of a Moose’s toilet do they drill in ANWR.
45 A good man out of the good treasury of his nation bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart the Vice-President’s mouth speaketh, despite the four heart attacks visited upon him.
46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? such as voting down that pant-suited bitch.
47 Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them without thinking, I will shew you to whom he is like:
48 He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock, and secured the property from Tony Rezko for below market value: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock of corruption.
49 But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great. [Maybe Katrina was HIS will!]